So in college I've adopted an I-don't-give-a-damn kind of philosophy. I'll try anything, always with no expectations, and make the best of it. The problem with this is that it goes against everything I've always been. I tend to be modest, shy, reserved, and conservative. I've always been, and still am, completely okay with this. However, everyday those words describe me a little less than the day before. I tire of doing things that I say I never will. I got twitter, and it's awesome. I went to a club, and had one of the best nights of my life. I drank at a party, and it was fine. I don't think any of these things are wrong. They just weren't for me. I spend a lot of time on introspection and I know a lot about myself. So it's weird to say things I've always said about myself and have them suddenly feel wrong. I didn't like my life before this, but I liked who I was. Now my life is better, but I don't understand myself at all. I've found myself in a very moderate position. Like I don't really tweet much, I went to a club once, and I drank kind of a lot, but I was never really drunk. I'm no longer any kind of an extreme. It's a good way to be, but it makes it hard to define yourself. I guess I'll figure it out. Everything in moderation right. It really has made me happy.
A bigger issue that I'm having is that I can't really be bothered with other people's problems anymore. One of the things I loved most about myself was that I could listen to anybody talk about anything for hours on end and maintain at least mild interest. I've listened patiently to the most circular arguments and stupid pointless problems while offering solid advice. But I just can't do it anymore. People have always been ignoring me. I get talked over and ignored every time I open my mouth. It's what has made me such a good listener. I know how valuable it is to have someone to talk to. I could always just kind of suck it up, but now I can't. I listen, and I help, and I care and then I try to share a little about myself. I ask people to listen and they refuse even though I've let them pour all of their problems all over me. I spend so much time drowning in my and everyone else's problems and I just can't hold it all in anymore, but no one cares. I can't just listen to people because I expect something back. It's not fair to say okay I'll care about you, but only if you do something for me. That's not caring. You can't attach strings to these situations. But if someone does listen to me I think "Wow, I owe him/her one. I hope they know that they can come to me for anything." If you can trust me with everything you hold dear, why can't you care about me. More importantly, how is that no one cares. Every friend I've ever had has dumped all of their issues on me and then never bothered to pick up their phone when I call, has never had anything to say about my problems, or the ability to listen to them. It would be okay if it wasn't everybody ever.
