All By Myself

I'm in college. (It's easier than you'd think by the way. Don't fear college.)I like it. I have an okay roommate, and I go to the Nerd Club, and 4 classes is a breeze compared to 7 in high school. But I'm amazingly depressed. Reasonably though. I'm incredibly alone. Everything I do is just wrong. My room won't stay clean. I drop and spill things all the time. Nothing ever works out. Everytime I take a risk and share my opinion I get shot back down. I'm afraid to talk and move and think. I've resolved to stop going to events and out with people because I know it won't turn out okay. I keep making efforts and everything just explodes in my face. So all I do is sit here and think about how much of a failure I truly am. I don't know what to do. I really tried for a month. Everything has been a disappointment. And it's so easy to make me happy. I really don't want much. I just want something to be involved in and someone who's easy to talk to. I've never had either. I've learned that I'm definitely not a nerd. I'm nowhere near good enough for them. Nerds are at least friends with other nerds. I don't know what to do there. I'm not cool and I don't want to be. But I haven't read enough comic books, watched enough TV Shows, learned enough about technology. I'm not good enough for ANYONE. I expect nothing from anybody because if I did I'd die of disappointment in a week. I can't let myself feel. I truly believe that all that matters is the people you care about. Life is about great experiences. It's about passion and caring and feeling. I don't want a lot of money. I do not want to be famous or powerful. I just want people. I want friends and a family and memories and to laugh. I put so much effort and all of my heart into people and they just couldn't care less. I really don't want much.

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I am going to try to blog without any predetermined direction. Here goes it. So my house has been a little stressful lately, but I'm leaving for college in 6 days. I'm not excited about escaping though. That's not at all my thought process. I feel bad for skipping out and leaving everyone else to deal with it all. I tend to feel bad about everything though. However, I am really excited to do something aside from watching Youtube videos. I love Youtube (27 open video tabs currently). My favorites of the moment are Eddplant and Mike Lombardo. This can be a spew about my love of Youtube! I started watching Charlie when my boyfriend of three years broke up with me and I couldn't sleep. It is the best void-filler ever. I'm a total misanthropic loner too, so it was like having friends without having to deal with people. You would never believe that that website has so much better content than music videos and kittens. It's totally a thriving little community full of talent and brilliance and sincerity. It's a great place for nerds too. It definitely made nerd the new cool. Everything is about books, video games, politics, and so much more. It makes the world such a small place. I've never learned so much about foreign places and cultures and people. Through Youtube I've found my favorite band, tv show,...everything I love really. I'm not sure whether this is a better testament to how awesome Youtube is or how lame I am.